
It was feast in our place where we used to talk about the two of us. He wanted to visit me in our house. But I refused to because; I might be teased by my family. And he said, ”just tell them that we’re friends.”How could it be? They all knew about him. I used to tell my mom about my ‘crushes’ and he’s one of those. I thought, he was disappointed from what I said….(Hey, Calm down…I’m not yet ready), my thoughts that time….He said, “Don’t you want me to know about your family more?” I asked myself, Is it so fair for my part, that I haven’t also known his family background? Don’t you worry boy, I won’t be hesitated about your life-so-story, And wont probably affect our relationship. Come what may. I can accept a person, without any doubts. If that person can accept me, without any doubts, too.
Then he actually replied me, “Baby (BB) ,Are we now having this relationship? Can we have it?” I was provoked to answer that… (Again???) That time, I decided not to let him wait anymore…I then replied, ”Wait..Im not yet ready…”“Can you give me some assurance, that you are really worthy to be my boyfriend”?
An imbecile thing happened…He didn’t reply anymore ….Okay fine….Almost twenty messages I’ve sent through his phone…But no reply I got through…His cell phone rang but no one seems to hold it back….I gave him time to think before making him get off…We didn’t use to talked nor get updates from each other…I didn’t heard something new from him and he doesn’t from me, too.
We used to move away every time we neither come near nor see each other. Too small world for us (I thought).Almost a week, we don’t used to talked. I felt so empty and miss that guy so much…Feels like my heart seems to torn into pieces, I cant easily breathe and my mind was all with him filling with regrets…Like my world was too small…And I’m just alone…Whatever I do, though I yield enough, no one seems to hear me…But I think It was just another way to forget him now……How can I? I think, that was also my fault because I’ve let him wait for two and half months for my answer. I should have done the wisest thing when he courted me. I should have told him that I’m not yet ready. But, that time, many doubts and hesitations crossed my mind. What if like that..??...What if like this…??...I was thinking for the advantages and disadvantages of having a boy-girl relationship. That’s why I haven’t told him so.
One day He smiled and stared at me (whatta nice to have it everyday). Then I felt I blushed and a little bit of shy came across my limp. He came towards me, and I felt all my systems were overloaded and I was shaking... That was what I’ve waited for…And of course prayed enough…
Thanks God, He decided to come over to me…And have some chat with peers. That time, so much bliss ness and joy came my way. Where All I can see was bright and beautiful and all the super-unnatural things where smiling at me. My world was filled of colors, Because of him, I admitted.
One day, maybe he was so horrified to get rushed with me…We talked and it feels good inside. He didn’t know that, I miss him so much!!! I savor each moment with him, because I know, we just talked sometimes…I felt I was flying every time I’m with him..
Then, He asked me, If one day, He may die or crashed by an accident, aren’t I regretting for despairing his love for me? Then I replied, “Are you really sincere for that feeling”? He nodded his head…Wearing so weary and long face that sadness captivated it so… Then I said”I told you, after 10 years from now, Is the right time for that love, so therefore. I’m already 25 and your 26 years old”…He then, adds up some funny stuff…”Everyday will diminish a year…So therefore, It will be eight years from this day”. So Ill be waiting for you up to year 2013? 13 is a bad luck”. I then replied.. ”So we’ll just make it 9 years from now.” ”No, I was just kidding…year 2012 would definitely fit…I’ll be 22 and you’ll be 23 yrs old…That would be enough.. You would have to find a stable job that time. I inserted erectly,” I’ll be waiting for you in the façade of the mall where we used to see each other, when I said I would give you a puppy, 7 years from now, August 02, 2012 around 3:00pm”.He said, “A janitor…???”(Pointed at a nearby comfort rooms)…that’s already a job…I laughed and said, “You think that would probably worked out?” We laughed… one of the nicest things of being with him was, He makes me laugh in a natural way, I don’t have to fake those big smiles just to open up my day. He’s the only one who can do that. And he’s also the reason why I feel so lonely and despaired every time we have some misunderstandings and argue little things.
He again asked,” What If, that right time will come, but I’m unfortunately be one of the beggars who used to asked money in streets, and you are in your modest dress already having a job. Would you still look up for me or you’ll just handed me a coin?” I was amazed from that logical way of approaching a destiny; I kept in silence as I wanted to picture it out in my mind. And it seems that he’s really thinking for the future. I felt terribly amused by that, I suddenly think it over. Okay, And what if, I found another man in my life, would I still be in love with him? Would I still look for him? Then, I answered him,” I would still choose to look forward for you, and don’t you want to be rich?” “You have to study hard so that you will succeed in life. ”He said, “It’s easy for you to say that because, It’s not yet happening, you could have a changed of heart.” He kept in silence for a minute…To broke the silence between the moldering whisper of the breeze under a shade of the tree, I said, ”I’m so hungry, It’s already pass 12, and I have to go home(Trying to get my calculator on this hand)”..He seem so serious that I can’t resist by the infatuation running through…I didn’t know what to do, As he made a stand and said, “Let’s Go (together handed the calculator)”. That time, I saw his eyes with a little bit of tearful-red; I just suddenly felt the pain in his heart like it used to break it into pieces. Like the way I used to feel, every time I miss him. I cant helped myself. I want to say something while we were walking, but my tongued seems tangled and my voice seems too hoarse. When, He was near in their classroom, All I had said was…”IM SORRY”…I didn’t know why, but that was all I thought, so that, It could heal the wound and ease the pain in his heart, I’ve caused him. As I walked towards our main gate, I was so sad. There was something missing in the line, that it seems so weary and messy. Was there something wrong I’ve said? What word/s I delivered that seems to let his world go unfound? Am I too blind for his love? Or just wanted to be blind? Because, my friends can actually figure him out, that he has some special feelings for me, but why I can’t? Then I recall what he said, that he tried to court me personally, but he thinks, I’m ashamed to be courted so. “ I was really stupid because, I didn’t notice, that he again courted me, then I frankly told him that, Did you court me again?!! . (Holy cow!!! What was going on!!! I’m getting lost….) Maybe that was the reason. I really didn’t notice his sympathy, In fact, I taught him the easiest, newest and fastest way to court a girl…Saying “I LOVE YOU” and a one sentence “Can I Apply for?” was in a 90’s style, nowadays, with just a frankly speaking, a guy could get the girl’s heart instantly, by saying “ COULD YOU BE MY GIRL?“ So therefore, the girl who is courted can easily determine whether she’s really courted.
And also, how can I easily distinguished and determined his words and actions, if he just say like that- like those- like this-what if--???Hey, I’m not so good in reading emotions psychologically. I just wanted to shout, to let the guilt I felt that time. After our class that Friday afternoon, I looked for him but he seems to hide, that I can’t see him at all. My weekend really rushed my world uncomfortably. I can’t seem to concentrate from what I’m doing and again I can’t easily breathe. Always thinking, how to apologies him. I’m scared!!!
Monday came, class again. Oh no, I can’t seem to hold my track. I felt I’m missing him at all. But I controlled my emotions. (I hate this thing!!!)
As I was rushing towards our classroom because I might be late, someone called me, “PSSSTT….”I made some fast walked holding my eyeglasses and clearing it up, I turn my head both sides but there wasn’t anyone. But when I turn my head upward, approaching the façade of a 4th-floor building. There he was, smiling, pointing somewhere in my back. I hurriedly looked at my backed, and when I turn my head, Gosh! The man I used to hate since freshmen and whom my colleagues used to tease me with him. I was really stupid. I admitted, I hated him; he teased me to some other guy/s even though he is really hurt. But maybe, that was his way to get my attention from neglecting him always. Well, I can’t force him to change.
Just want to tell him, maybe that will be the reason, where I will stop missing and loving him. I don’t want to be tease, especially, if I’ll be tease with my worst nightmare. It turns me off. It’s so disgusting.
I hope my life, would still stay constant…As if Happiness is there but life can’t go on without problems… I’m expecting lots of trials and challenged being clashed in my way to fate.
If you are truly
Sincere about your,Feelings for me.
Well you can wait
For the right time
For the two of us.
If we are really destined for each other,
Love Will Find A Way
For the two of us and
Our roads will crossed again,
After we finish our studies
And do the things we wanted.
Hopefully, I wanted to continue this after 7 years from now, with the one I used to compromise, the one I would rather choose to spend a lifetime with. I’m so excited with the continuation for this. What would be the ending? Would I still find him after 7 years? Would I still be in love with him? Or what?.. I’ll just follow my fate being destined for me.
This was written on Decmber 2005...





